| I'm not exactly what you would call handy. In fact, I am | | | | sink. My girlfriend denies any knowledge of it. And |
| to home improvement what Mr. T is to Victoria's | | | | every time I question the two cats, they point their |
| Secret. I require an overnight hospital stay if I attempt | | | | paws at each other in an accusatory fashion. |
| to remove the rubber band from around a newspaper. | | | | So, when my girlfriend said, "We need to replace this |
| (I've almost put my eye out twice.) | | | | sink." I immediately volunteered for the job. After |
| My lack of mechanical prowess is known throughout | | | | approximately twenty minutes of my girlfriend laughing |
| the countryside. The borough that I live in has | | | | uncontrollably, I explained that I needed to break "The |
| requested that I apply for a permit, if I attempt to build | | | | Curse Of the Guest Bathroom", I needed to prove that |
| a sandwich. | | | | I could do it and I needed the arm and leg I would have |
| My father was the one who was blessed with these | | | | been charged had I hired a plumber. It was just |
| skills. He could work on the family automobile and have | | | | something I had to do. Man pitted against plumbing. |
| it running in the morning, repair a broken hay rake on | | | | Mono Au Mono. |
| the back of the tractor in the afternoon, install new | | | | I entered the bathroom wearing a fully loaded tool belt, |
| electrical outlets in the spare room by dusk and then | | | | a hard hat, dark goggles, and holding a large pipe |
| turn around and make a Hungarian Goulash that would | | | | wrench in each hand. ROBOPLUMBER!!! |
| make a native Budapestian migrate to our kitchen. | | | | First, I removed the old sink. This was the sink that |
| And, he'd do it all in one day. (Let's see him write a half | | | | originally came with the house. I discovered that |
| hour spec script for "Everybody Loves Raymond.") | | | | builders tend to use the cheapest grade materials |
| Still, I would love the ability to build or repair something | | | | when building a house. (The next lower grade sink, in |
| and not have to fill out an insurance claim form. For | | | | this case, would have been a flowing stream and a |
| instance, I tried replacing the float in the toilet tank in the | | | | rock.) |
| guest bathroom. Without getting into too many details, | | | | The cats hid under the bed, as I removed the |
| people who visit us now, and use the guest bathroom, | | | | hardware from the old sink and attempted to put them |
| have the unique opportunity to see, first hand, how a | | | | (the hardware, not the cats) on the new one. NOTE: |
| kitty litter operates. | | | | It's advisable to remember how the hardware came |
| Last year, we had a Nor'easter and several shingles | | | | off, so that after installing the hardware on the new |
| were blown off our roof. I replaced them the day | | | | sink, you don't have ten or twelve extra pieces left |
| before a major snowstorm in March. After the storm, | | | | over. |
| all the shingles I replaced, (using no less than twenty | | | | The sweat began pouring from my forehead as |
| nails in each shingle) were still there. However, all the | | | | everything I tried to do went wrong. The bathroom |
| shingle surrounding them were gone. | | | | began looking like a scene out of The Three Stooges' |
| I also attempted to install a toilet paper holder in the | | | | "A Plumbing We Will Go." I had thoughts of, after |
| guest bathroom. Sixteen drill holes in the wall later, I | | | | completing the job, turning on the faucet and my |
| discovered how much easier it was to leave the loose | | | | neighbor's toilet flushing. |
| roll of t.p. on the vanity. | | | | I'm proud to say that, eventually, the sink was installed |
| My feeble repair attempts became known as "The | | | | and hooked up. The hot water came out when the hot |
| Curse Of The Guest Bathroom." Stephen King is | | | | water faucet was turned on. The cold water ran |
| planning on writing the screenplay. | | | | when the cold water faucet was activated. This was |
| Now that I've set you up, and have given you some | | | | all accomplished in one afternoon with only two |
| background on my manual dexterity, it is time to tell | | | | Band-Aids, a change of clothes and thirty-seven |
| you of my ultimate challenge. | | | | expletive deletives. The "curse" had been broken. |
| No one seems to know how a chip in the porcelain, | | | | Now, weren't we talking about adding on another |
| the size of Camden County, got in the guest bathroom | | | | room? |